Doug was one of my best friends and one of the people I have loved the most in my life. He changed my life in more ways than I could explain. I met him in October, 1998. We were very close and almost inseparable for about a year and a half. This past April, he became very ill and on May 30, 2000 at 11:34am, he passed away. His death is my first real experience with grief of this kind, and the following is a my attempts since his death to somehow come to terms with it. I am nowhere near "over" his death. I live with it every day. I "talk" with him every day. I miss him every day. And I thank God for his presence in my life....every day.

6/11/00

Being with Doug was living for the moment.

It was enjoying clam chowder and lemon meragne pie;

It was fishing on the pier until 5am;

It was laughing and telling jokes at the table;

It was recognizing every single person who we passed on the street;

It was hearing him talk about his children with loving pride;

It was watching VH1 videos and singing along;

Iy was him bringing me crayola markers, chocolate eclairs, earrings and t-shirts;

it was telling stories about the past;

It was standing up for me at my unemployment hearing;

It was educating me about cars;

It was watching him give out money, food, or sleeping bags to friends in need;

It was going shopping at Ralph's for a shut-in neighbor;

It was talking about love and God and death and fear and freedom;

It was him carving and sanding and varnishing wood sculptures;

It was caring more about others than himself;

It was living for the moment;

It was me feeling loved;

It was embracing time--

I wish there had been more.

-sjf

6/12/00

You, my personal guardian,

disappear from my side.

Suddenly left in the center of a maze--

no sound, i

strain to hear your deep,

strong voice tell me where

to go?

All that comes is

an echo:

"Take care, sweetheart..."

i

study the sky; what would

i pay to hear that just

one more time.

-sjf

7/25/00

Like the past eight Sundays, i

am bringing you flowers. But

as I set them in the "one per grave"

vase and throw out

the old ones, breath catches, body suddenly

convulsed in crying, i

reach up to touch your grave marker, i

imagine it is your hand i am grasping, imagine

your voice rumbling in my ear....

Blurred mind's eye-- You, so

silent and still, lying in that

hospital bed me

perched on a chair, holding your cold hand-

sobbing to the sterile walls....

STOP, STOP, STOP, REWIND

to a happier time: you and I

laughing,

eating clam chowder

on a sunny day next to the harbor, you saying Maybe we're

soul mates....

Deep breath.

Cool marble.

Soft whisper in my heart: "I'm right here, babe..."

tears fall into the flowers I

try to comprehend my loss....

You.

-sjf

8/12/00

sitting at your grave.

speaking to you, as usual

but

feeling emptiness returning, I

huddle close to the marble,

curling into a ball, as

if by wishing, you

will materialize and

put your strong arms around

me,

bear-hug me firm and warm,

squeezing the fears and uncertainities out

of my skin....the

need for you so strong my

heart about to burst.

tears come,

instead of an embrace and

fall as

I fall from the sky--

breaking

down.

-sjf

"You'll deny the truth--believe a lie--there'll be times when you believe--that you can really fly...but your lonely nights have just begun-- when you love someone..."

-Bryan Adams